If you’ve ever wished for a fast, discreet way to calm your nerves before speaking, presenting, or stepping into a high‑stakes meeting, there’s a surprisingly simple method you can use anywhere…and it only involves your index finger.

This technique comes from Jin Shin Jyutsu, the 3,000‑year‑old Japanese art of light touch. It focuses on calibrating emotions through touching the fingers, with each of the fingers corresponding to a specific emotion.

It’s simple, subtle, and requires zero equipment, which makes it perfect for real‑world communication moments.

What Is Jin Shin Jyutsu? (And Why Your Fingers Matter)

Jin Shin Jyutsu maps emotional states to different fingers. In this video, I focus on the index finger, the one corresponding with fear. Plus, there’s an interesting alternative (at 1 minute) that you might want to use, the next time you feel compelled to stick your middle finger up in the air.

How to Use the Index‑Finger Technique

Gently hold your index finger with the opposite hand and breathe.

That’s it. No pressure, no squeezing, no ritual. Just light touch. Feel the fear being replaced by calm.

Why This Works

The technique works because it activates a calming, repetitive sensation, grounding you before speaking in public, during calls, or any time your anxiety needs a comfort blanket.

It’s also discreet enough to use in a meeting or interview without anyone noticing.

When to Use It

This tiny technique is ideal:

• Before presenting

• During tense conversations

• While waiting to speak in a group

• When fear spikes unexpectedly

• Even while walking around a supermarket

Your Action

As simple as the exercise itself:

Feeling nervous or anxious? Wrap that index finger with the fingers of the opposite hand and BREATHE into it. Feel the calm take over.

A Small Habit With Big Impact

This is one of those deceptively simple tools that becomes a staple once you try it. It’s fast, grounding, and always available, making it perfect for anyone who communicates under pressure.

Here are three more techniques to reduce fear when communicating or presenting.

There may be many reasons for presentation fear – from unclear messaging to a lack of delivery confidence.

If you – or your people – need help with presentation skills, then book a free 15-minute Discovery Call here to see if we can work together. No strings attached: just a call to see how I might help you or your people.

Aaron, a senior systems analyst in a fast‑paced tech environment, is proactive and brimming with ideas. When he mentions one to his boss, she casually suggests he present it at next week’s SLT meeting. Cue the pressure. Aaron spends his entire weekend crafting a 15‑page document and a 60‑slide deck, convinced that presentation skills equal “more slides, more detail.”

Fast‑forward to the meeting: the agenda drifts into unplanned chit‑chat, time evaporates, and with ten minutes left his boss suddenly remembers: “Aaron! Sorry, forgot. Aaron has an initiative he wants to run by us.” His stomach drops. That idea isn’t going to sell itself, and there’s no way he’s getting through 60 slides.

So what could he have done instead? Exactly what I recommend when you need to influence quickly and effectively, especially when persuading senior management: keep the laptop firmly shut and use this five‑minute, no‑slide structure for rapid influence.

My clients love it because it’s simple, human, and it works. Here’s how.

Example One

Question:

I’ve got to persuade my boss to follow a strategy in a meeting that’s coming up. How can I persuade him quickly that what we need to do is a good idea?”

Answer:

Proposal (Outline):

Think of this as a bookend: a short request in a sentence.

We need to bring in more Sales people alongside the Tech teams for Cloud A.I.

Rationale / Reasons (3 max!):

You need to include reasons that match the ‘What’s in it for them’ [WIIFM]- not your reasons (unless they overlap). More about that here.

We’ll have easier access to a large market.

Note: if you’re speaking to Senior Management or the Board, the WIIFM needs to tie in with their strategic goals. It’s about them, not you.

Objections (inc. cost, time, effort. Remember to build in a way of countering those objections):

You may feel hesitant about mentioning objections. This is normal: when speaking with the Board, many presenters skip the uncomfortable bits – budget concerns, risks, trade‑offs – leaving a giant, lumbering elephant in the room.

Senior leaders always spot what you’re avoiding. If you don’t name it, it becomes the reason they don’t say yes.

Consequently, we include this objection and add the solution, as follows:

I understand that the upfront costs may seem off-putting. Although many of our teams are great on-site, they’re not up-selling and cross-selling at the rate we’d like, especially since we went virtual. We’d get more business with less hassle with a specialist or two.

I know that many Sales people brush the IT teams up the wrong way but with someone who’s got a proven record at winning business in our sector and sells our skills accurately, we’d see profits without the pain. I can get in touch with xxxx Recruitment that could find just the right people for us.

Evidence

Consider that any of the following points could be viewed as evidence, depending on the situation:

1. Something similar you’ve achieved before;

2. Something someone else has achieved before;

3. Statistics: projected or otherwise.

4. The sight of something – a picture/walkabout etc

5. Pointing out what can be avoided or what can be gained by following a particular course of action.

[Our Competitor] has had a dedicated team selling similar tech to the finance sector. Although they started 8 months ago, they’ve seen a xxxx% increase in profit in the last 6 months.

Proposal (closing bookend)

This is simply another ‘bookend’ that reflects the one your opened with, phrased in exactly the same way or paraphrased, as I’ve done here:

So, in my view, taking on more Business Development expertise could potentially double our profits within half a year.

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Here It Is In Video:

Example Two

Question:

I want to persuade our Head of Operations to approve a pilot for a new internal workflow tool that will save time but requires a small budget and a few hours of staff training. How do I persuade her quickly?

Answer:

Proposal (Outline)

I’d like us to run a four‑week pilot of a new workflow tool to speed up our internal approvals.

Rationale / Reasons (3 max)

• This means we can speed up project delivery by several days each month, allowing us to serve more clients.

• This tool automates the repetitive admin that eats into team capacity, meaning we can free them up to work on the current strategic goals.

• The four-week pilot means we don’t have to commit to a full rollout.

Objections (plus your counters or solutions)

You may be concerned about the cost and the time required for staff training.However, the pilot licence is low‑cost, and the training takes under an hour. The time saved on approvals will outweigh the initial investment within the first month.

You might also worry about team resistance to new tools, but this one integrates with our existing systems, and the interface is extremely intuitive: our project coordinators tested the demo and picked it up in minutes.

Evidence

• Two of our partner organisations have implemented the same tool and reduced their approval turnaround by 30–40%.

• In our own team’s demo last week, we processed a sample approval chain in under two minutes: something that normally takes half an hour.

• If the pilot doesn’t deliver measurable improvements, we simply stop. No long‑term commitment.

Proposal (closing bookend):

So, that’s why I’m proposing a four‑week pilot of this workflow tool to speed up approvals and free up team capacity.

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Example Three

Here’s another proposal you may want to deal with, more everyday than something that’ll break the markets:

Question:

I want a new office chair because the existing ones hurt my back. How do I persuade Finance to buy one?

Answer:

Proposal (Outline):

I need a new office chair.

Reasons (3 max!):

The reason for this is that the current one has given me severe backache. The result of this is that I’ve had to take the last week off work.

Objections

You may regard this is an unnecessary expense. However, as I’ve had to take time off work and it’s therefore slowed my productivity, a decent chair would be an investment that would reduce absenteeism and allow me to work longer hours without pain.

Evidence

In my old office we had excellent chairs by Lumbar Jacks and I never once had a problem.

Proposal

So, that’s why exchanging my current office chair for an orthopaedic one would be so beneficial.

Your Action:

1. Jot down something you’d like to initiate: an idea for which you need someone to give you the green light;

2. Note your P.R.O.E.P.;

3. Contact a colleague to ensure you’ve preempted any of their objections in advance.

4. Speak to the person you need to persuade and ask them for 5 minutes of their time – uninterrupted;

5. Use the PROEP (and ditch the slides).

Most people think persuading senior leaders means performing: polishing slides, padding arguments, and praying someone gives you more than a polite nod. Forget that. Senior leaders don’t need a Broadway‑length slide deck: they need clarity, confidence and a sense you’ve thought about the bumps in the road.

The PROEP model gives you exactly that: a simple, repeatable structure that cuts through noise, respects their time, and elevates your influence without theatrics. That’s real persuasion.

And the more you use it, the more you’ll realise you never needed the 60‑slide safety blanket – you just needed five minutes of clarity and the guts to speak like someone worth listening to.

If you’re serious about levelling up your influence skills, then book a time that suits you for a free 15-minute Discovery Call here to see if we can work together. No strings attached: just a call to see how I might help you or your people.

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Whether you’re presenting online or in person, the problem is the same: engagement drops faster than your Wi‑Fi on a windy day. You have the sharpest slides and the most airtight data, what the technical specialists, with whom I work, regard as absolutely essential. They’re not wrong but the visuals and hard facts are not enough to engage listeners.

Their audiences still glaze over like a tray of Krispy Kremes.

So when the attention slips away what do most presenters do? They panic‑add “engagement tactics.”

The most common I see are:

• A badly timed joke.

• A poll (again).

• An arbitrary question that reveals absolutely nothing except that half the room wasn’t listening in the first place.

These are the presenting‑skills equivalent of sprinkling icing sugar on a burnt cake: decorative, yes. Transformative, no.

There is a better way to keep attention without resorting to gimmicks, and it doesn’t require binge‑watching 1,000 TED Talks or reinventing your entire delivery style. It simply requires a better set of ingredients.

Enter: The Spice Rack™

This is my framework for adding conversational, interactive and illustrative elements to your presentation - naturally, intentionally, and without the whiff of desperation. This is my term so no-one else will have a clue what you’re talking about if you mention them - unless they’ve experienced my training: they will instead, think you’ve gone into catering. But the Spice Rack™ is a list of engagement techniques that flavour your talks, as well as meetings. Some presentations only need a pinch of salt and a chilli pepper. Others need cumin, coriander, smoked paprika and a squeeze of lime.

The point is: you season to taste.

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What’s on the Spice Rack™

If you love a good visual shortcut, you’ll adore Snap: The Infographics Vault. It’s packed with one‑page versions of all my communication tools – for free. Get to the vault here.

Why Spices Work™

Audiences - whether in a boardroom or on Zoom - don’t stay engaged because you’re “dynamic.” They stay engaged because you keep giving their brains something to do. Spices create texture. They make your message easier to digest and harder to forget.

A Few Spices You Can Sprinkle Anywhere

• A quote that sharpens your point

• A questions: ensure it’s a closed one that elicits a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ (great for the opening)

• A startling statement that wakes people up faster than a double espresso. You can also use a stat or fact

• A rhetorical question that nudges reflection without demanding awkward participation (useful for conclusions)

• A shared experience that builds rapport without oversharing.

• Give the latest news: that adds urgency and relevance

• A picture or vivid description that paints the scene.

• A provoking thought that lingers long after the slide deck ends.

• An analogy that makes the complex suddenly obvious.

• Audience action that makes them do something such as ‘write in the chat’; ‘put your hand up’.

• A prop (yes, even online) that makes your point tangible.

• An anecdote because we’re more likely to remember your story than your bullet points

• An example, the ‘salt and pepper’ of the Spice Rack™that grounds your message in reality.

You don’t need to use all of them. You simply weave them through the beginning, middle and end of your presentation so attention never has the chance to wander off.

Where to Use Spices

• At the start, to hook attention before people drift into inbox‑checking mode. Use the spice on the ‘Attention’ part here.

• In the middle, to break up dense content and reset the room’s energy.

• At the end, to land your message with clarity and impact.

Once you’re done your mind map or a chronological outline, you can drop them in.

It’s the intentional seasoning of your presentation, that will captivate your audience.

Your Action

Got a presentation to prepare?

1. Use the links above to plan the middle FIRST;

2. Then add the END,

3. After that bullet point your INTRODUCTION.

4. Finally, add the spices - and remember, your slides are only a spice (if you can make your point without the slide, do you need it?).

The Real Win

Using the Spice Rack™ means you stop relying on luck, charisma (whatever that means), or the hope that your audience is unusually caffeinated. You gain a repeatable, flexible way to make any presentation: technical, creative, strategic, or educational - more engaging, more memorable, and more human.

Sprinkle generously. Your audience will thank you.

If you’re serious about sharpening up your presentation skills, especially in high stakes situations, then book a time that suits you for a free 15-minute Discovery Call here to see if we can work together. No strings attached: just a call to see how I might help you or your people.

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You stand up to speak and realise you’re doing that move again with your hands.

You’re wondering why you don’t have a wider ‘gestural vocabulary’.

And if you’ve read this piece on gestures,, you know how important they are as a second channel for communication.

Moreover, if you’re speaking to those unfamiliar with your material - be it in a meeting or presentation - they’ll need gestures for clarity.

The Power of Structural Gestures

When it comes to how to move, this study reveals the specific types of gesture that make technical concepts crystal clear even with non-technical listeners.

The gestures that will help translate your ideas regardless of knowledge are called structural gestures.

Structural gestures typically do one or more of the following:

1. Represent static features (shape, layout, number, grouping)

2. Show relationships (contrast, hierarchy, categories)

3. Help the listener build a mental map of the system or concept

4. Do not simulate motion or mechanism

The Four Key Structural Gestures

Here are four gestures all fall into this family and that you can use today.

1. Counting gestures (finger itemising)

• Emphasise number, sequence, and discrete units

• Partition information into stable, memorable chunks

• Help non‑experts track components, categories, or key points

2. Ladder gesture (steps in a process)

• Represent ordered structure rather than movement

• Show hierarchy or progression without implying mechanical action

• Useful for explaining workflows, procedures, or multi‑stage systems

3. Boxes gesture (discrete independent items)

• Create spatial containers for separate concepts or components

• Help audiences understand boundaries, independence, and modularity

• A common structural gesture in clear technical communication

4. Anchoring gesture (contrasting ideas placed in different spatial locations)

• Establish spatial contrast between two aspects, options, or categories

• Help audiences map differences onto physical space

• Particularly effective for comparisons or trade‑off explanations

These gestures highlight what the parts are, how they are organised, and how ideas relate spatially, rather than showing how something moves or operates.

Your Action Step:

As your imparting information to others, in-person or virtually, use any of the following to keep them with you:

1. Counting

2. Ladder

3. Boxing

4. Anchoring

For technical specialists, this makes them especially powerful when explaining systems, processes, or concepts to people who don’t yet have a mental model of the domain.

Need to some help with your communication skills? Be less vanilla and more THRILLER. Hop on to a free 15-minute Discovery Call here to see how I can help you or your people. No strings attached.

Most people think gestures are the garnish of communication: something you add once the real message is sorted.

But the research says the opposite. Gestures are part of the message. When people can see your hands, they understand you more easily. And when your ideas feel easier to grasp, they see you as more competent and persuasive.

That’s why gesture on video is about cognition, credibility, and cultural fluency – all happening in the frame of your webcam or in-person.

Are Your Hands On The Dagger?

We trust people more when we can see their hands. There’s a simple evolutionary reason: hands signal intent. If we can’t see them, our brain does a tiny threat‑assessment loop.

Are you resting your hand on your sword? Are you about to club me with a stone? It’s all very primal. We may know our ‘please and thanks yous’ now but the old brain is very much there.

On video, that absence is louder because the frame is already a constraint.

So if your hands never appear, your audience subconsciously registers:

• “I don’t have the full picture.”

• “Something’s missing.”

• “I’m not fully sure what they’re signalling.”

If you’re speaking in a meeting, on stage or in a video presentation, the visibility of your hands and gestures is essential to presence as much as it is to meaning.

Ensure they’re seen.

Here’s what the behavioural science and cross‑cultural communication research tell us about gestures.

Why Gesture Level And Size Shapes Your Credibility

The expansiveness of your gestures influences whether you’re moving excessively or not enough. How much space you take up can increase or shrink your presence as a communicator.

Expansive gestures signal confidence, competence, and cognitive ease

A body of research shows that when presenting in-person, speakers who use gestures above the waist – inside what some researchers call the “power sphere”, audiences rated them as more confident, more authoritative, and more persuasive.

The study centred on CEOs delivering IPO roadshows is a perfect example.

When 900 people rated the credibility and trustworthiness of CEOs without hearing a word they said, the leaders who used more gesture were consistently judged as more competent and it was those CEOs whose companies received higher valuations.

When your gestures are hidden, or compressed into your lap, your presence shrinks with them. When your gestures are open, visible, and meaningfully expansive, your presence expands.

Gesture Height And The Credibility Risk

Here’s the nuance most people miss. When someone doesn’t already know your credibility – new client, new team – gestures that rise above your chin can read as:

• overly dramatic

• uncontained

• emotionally unregulated

• “trying too hard”

(There’s a visual here showing non-verbal communication differences between an uncomfortable, friendly and authoritative approach.)

On video, the camera exaggerates vertical movement. A gesture that feels natural in person can look like a semaphore signal online. Hence, the power sphere is the optimal area in which to keep your gestures. Here’s your rule of thumb: keep gestures between your sternum and your chin when you’re establishing credibility. I show you exactly how to do that in the video here.

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The Illustrative Purpose Of Gesture

One of the most important functions of gesture is illustration. We don’t just wave our hands around for emphasis; we use them to draw meaning in the air. And when listeners can see that meaning, comprehension jumps.

A study published in The Conversation analysed 200,000 segments of TED Talks and ran controlled experiments with 1,600 participants. The researchers found that speakers who used illustrative gestures — movements that visually map onto the idea being expressed — were consistently rated as:

• clearer

• more competent

• more persuasive

The reason is beautifully simple:

“When ideas feel easier to grasp, people tend to see the speaker as more competent and persuasive.” – The Conversation

This is why it’s so vital to keep your hands visible and in frame on video. When your gestures disappear below the camera line, your audience loses access to one of the most efficient meaning‑making tools you have.

So the goal isn’t “use your hands more.”

It’s use your hands to make your ideas easier to understand.

This is vital for those technical presentations – especially to mixed audiences – where you need your audience to understand what you’re saying.

Showing emotion without being emotional

Your hands underline meaning and emotion. It’s both possible and necessary to express emotion if you want others to act. And you can do this without getting emotional. I show you how here.

They Don’t Believe You: It’s Culture

Gesture height is deeply cultural.

In Northern European and Anglo cultures, lower‑to‑mid gestures signal professionalism and control: and the research backs this up.

The study by psycholinguist, Sotaro Kita delves into a cross‑cultural review of gesture behaviour showing how diverse cultures use different gesture spaces, in both width, and vertical height.

Some cultures naturally use higher, broader, more expansive gestures, while others prefer contained, lower gestures.

It’s a culturally patterning that will guide you when presenting in specific cultures.

I learned this the hard way when I was directing TV presenters in Turkey.

We were days away from a global broadcast when I was told that if one presenter wasn’t “reined in,” they’d replace him. Me, being all English and polite, tried to make my point with tidy, upper‑torso‑level gestures. The rehearsal made it clear this had absolutely no effect.

So I watched how the local team communicated: how they signalled seriousness, how they asserted authority. Then, I copied. The next time, I raised my gestures to eye level, held eye contact longer than any Anglo‑Saxon nervous system is designed for, and delivered the same message.

The presenter looked like he’d been tasered.

In that moment, I may have become the devil incarnate in his eyes, but the behaviour changed instantly.

Goodbye friendship, hello power.

Because from Italy to Iran, the meaning shifts:

• A gesture that stays low can look weak, uncertain, or emotionally flat.

• To show conviction, you raise the gesture — especially on emphatic phrases.

• Contained gestures can read as withholding or insincere.

In these cultures, gesture height = emotional truth.

So if you’re speaking to a Mediterranean or Middle Eastern audience and you keep your hands politely hovering at rib‑height, you’re unintentionally dampening your message.

In other words: What reads as “credible” in London can read as “lukewarm” in Tehran or Naples.

I show you what this looks like in the video here, (I was so horrified at what I did – and it’s not edited out. You’ll see I self-corrected).

Your Actions

Your hands underline meaning, and help your listeners understand your message more deeply: whether they’re technical or not.

Ensure your movement:

1. stays in the frame of the screen.

2. fills the power sphere in person and on line.

3. matches your message – in person and on-line.

4. creates that in-person and on- screen presence and authority (Get that two-finger salute right from the video above).

5. considers cultural expectations.

Apply this to meetings, presentations on screen or in real life to look more confident, more credible, less robot and more human.

Need to some help with communicating: either verbally or non-verbally? Speak so others want to listen, hop on to a free 15-minute Discovery Call here to see if we can work together. No strings attached.

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When you need someone to reverse a decision they’ve already made—especially over email or Teams, the real priority isn’t having a thoroughly logical argument. Most people go in rationale-first and this will undermine the persuasiveness you carry.

If you want others to do a u-turnabout, allow them to save face.

In this post here, I cover how to correct someone who’s blaming you.

Someone has pointed the finger at you. They’re wrong. You need to correct them without escalating tension.

You’re protecting your professional reputation.

This post, however has a different angle as it concerns reversing a decision that doesn’t work for you. Being able to do this virtually as well as in-person is a key influencing skill.

They’re not necessarily blaming you but they’re committed to a stance that you’re trying to reverse:

You’re guiding someone to reconsider a decision.

When Identity Beats Logic

When someone has taken a stance publicly (or even semi‑publicly), reversing it can feel like admitting they were careless, uninformed, or inconsistent. And online, where tone is flatter and social cues vanish, that threat to face is even sharper.

This isn’t the same as admitting you messed up, or contradicting someone else’s point of view.

This is about something trickier:

Helping people change course without feeling exposed, embarrassed, or wrong.

Dale Carnegie understood this decades ago. And psychologist, Robert Cialdini’s research on consistency explains why people cling to decisions long after the context has changed.

“Once we make a choice or take a stand, we will encounter personal and interpersonal pressures to behave consistently with that commitment.”

Influence, Robert Cialdini

People resist change not because they’re stubborn, but because inconsistency threatens their identity and credibility.

If you want movement, you need to offer a dignified off‑ramp. And once that cost disappears, movement becomes easy.

When You Want Someone to Reconsider Without Feeling Wrong – Industry Examples

Example One: Parking Fine Appeal

“I think there may have been a mix-up with Avis. I’ve just only received this notice, and I know your team is meticulous about issuing warnings first so I think there must have been a problem with the council issuing fines.”

• Reinforces their values: meticulous with the process)

• Gives them a way out: a problem with the council.

• Gently invites a review: I think there must have been a problem…

Example Two: Agriculture: Subsidy Denial Reversal

“I completely understand the need to avoid duplicate subsidies. I wonder if there might’ve been a mix-up in the records: last year’s support was for soil testing through the Climate Resilience program, not irrigation.”

• Shows understanding of their needs – the duplicate subsidies.

• Provides another easy get-out-of-jail card: the mix-up with the records.

• Avoids saying ‘you’re wrong’ or ‘but’: instead offers a simple statement of fact.

Example Three: Sustainable Construction: Material Choice Reconsideration

“I completely understand the need to stay aligned with supplier commitments. Since our last proposal, we’ve run updated simulations using the EC3 tool, and it looks like the low-carbon mix now performs similarly on cost. I thought it might be worth revisiting, especially since it aligns with your sustainability goals and keeps your timeline intact.”

• Shows understanding of their needs: staying aligned with supplier commitments

• Adds the new data that demands the review – without a direct contradiction

• Lets them pivot while staying consistent to their values – using ‘I thought it might be worth revisiting’ and mentioning their sustainability goals.

Example Four: Pharma: Dosing Guidance Clarification

“I completely understand the need for MSLs to give nurses clear, confident dosing guidance. I wonder if there might’ve been a mix‑up in the spreadsheet version: the calculation Mani used was based on last year’s weight‑band model, not the updated mg/kg protocol.”

• Shows understanding of their needs: clear, accurate dosing is essential for MSL – nurse conversations.

• Provides a face‑saving get‑out‑of‑jail card: the mix-up with the spreadsheets

• Points to the updated mg/kg protocol without shaming anyone.

Why Consistency Is So Powerful

Psychologist, Robert Cialdini in his book, ‘Influence’, cites a classic experiment by Freedman and Fraser (1966) to show how small commitments snowball into major behavioural shifts.

The “Drive Carefully” Study

Researchers asked homeowners to install a large, ugly “Drive Carefully” billboard. Most refused. But when they first asked a different group to display a tiny “Be a Safe Driver” sign, then returned two weeks later with the billboard request: an astounding 76% said yes: yes to the small favour before being asked for a larger one. (More on the science and practice of small yesses before you ask for more substantial favours here.)

That small initial commitment activated their self-image as “safety-conscious.” When the bigger ask came, they felt compelled to behave consistently with that identity: even if it meant a giant eyesore on their lawn.

Lesson: Once someone takes a stance, they’ll go to great lengths to stay consistent, even if the context changes. So if you want someone to change their mind, tell them how consistent this is with their values, actions or behaviours.

Mind the Traps

Even the most persuasive people can slip into habits that erode trust or trigger defensiveness. Watch for these common traps:

1. Don’t scapegoat individuals

Avoid naming and blaming. Instead of:

“Mani calculated it incorrectly.” Use: “There might have been a mix-up in the spreadsheet.

This keeps the focus on the issue, not the person.

2. Don’t box them in with directives

People resist being told. They lean in when invited. Instead of:

“You need to review this.”

Replace with: “I wonder if this needs revisiting.” “Would it help to take another look?”

Such language is called ‘hedging language’ and it preserves autonomy while nudging action. Here’s more about hedging language: especially useful if you tend to be more direct.

Removing Psychological Costs

Reversing a decision isn’t the battle of facts delivered in logic. On the contrary: you’re negotiating with someone’s identity.

You remove the psychological cost of changing direction by giving people:

• a face‑saving explanation;

• a reason to reconsider that aligns with their desires or values

• or a neutral “mix‑up” they can point to.

And once that cost disappears, movement becomes easy.

Your Action:

There’s a decision you want to reverse? Ensure you incorporate the following:

1. Show you understand their needs.

2. Given them a ‘get-out card’: you can use one of the three techniques in ‘Removing Psycholocial Costs’.

3. Use hedging language to suggest the revisit.

Find out about my Communication Skills training for individuals and teams. To increase your credibility and speak so others want to listen, get in touch with me here or go here for a free, no strings attached 15-minute Discovery Call.

Like many of you, when networking, Colm used to think it was entirely logical to introduce himself with his job title. He used this when he presented, when he was at networking events, and in meetings.

He’d begin with:

“Hi, I’m Colm and I’m a Strategic Technical Advisor.”

Cue polite smiles. Blank stares. Maybe a slow blink or two.

So Colm tries again:

“I do the planning to leverage the technical systems.”

Still no clue. Nice chap, sure. But what does he actually do?

When you introduce yourself—whether in a presentation or to a colleague—leaning solely on your job title is more likely to stall the conversation than spark it. It’s too vague to prompt anything beyond a polite nod or a puzzled, “Huh, okay.” That’s when they tune out as people can’t be bothered with the guesswork.

Take the title Chief Operating Officer: in one company, it might mean overseeing global partnerships; in another, their focus might be on internal processes optimisation. Same job title but completely different roles.

It’s not that you can’t state your job title at all. Only that relying solely on that will have the impact of a wet firework.

The way you introduce yourself professionally, otherwise called the ‘Elevator Pitch’, has the potential to be so powerful that it can open opportunities up for you within the first couple of minutes of a conversation. This is how a short, sharp structure can do exactly that.

Why Your Elevator Pitch Matters

Let’s say you meet Colm at an external event. He drops “leveraging technical systems” into the conversation and your brain quietly exits stage left. You start scanning the room for escape routes.

Now imagine you bump into Colm at work. You still don’t know what he does, which is unfortunate—because he’s the guy who helps clients tailor risk-mitigation software so they only get what they actually need. And guess what? You need him.

But because Colm’s intro was had more fog than function, he’s not part of your solution. Consquently, you both lose out.

As in Colm’s situation, if people don’t understand what you do, you risk missing out on:

• Collaboration opportunities

• Promotions

• Projects that light you up

A vital element of your communication skills centres on how you introduce yourself in a range of situations. Yet so many introductions are no more than a bland band of buzzwords. They way you talk about what you do – your ‘Elevator Pitch’ needs to be phrased in a way that’s both clear and piques interest.

Reel Them In with The Hook

Instead of sounding like a talking business card once you’ve been asked what you do, give some ‘conversational bait’ to make others want to know more. This will be your ‘hook’.

Hooks are:

• Focused on the problem you solve

• Engaging

• Conversational

Hook Type 1: The Problem as a Question

Risk Manager: “You know how cyberattacks seem to be growing more frequent and sneaky?”

Entrepreneur of plant-based vapes: “You know how people start vaping and then can’t kick the nicotine addiction?”

These open the door to empathy and relevance. You’re inviting a reaction that will gain you feedback you need to gauge interest and personalisation while still keeping a conversational element.

Often, this might lead to the other person regaling you with a story you’ve triggered, making the launch into the Elevator Pitch feel like an inconspicuous glide.

Hook Type 2: Weirdness, Humour, Intrigue

Before I give my ‘Elevator Pitch’, I often lead with:

“People skills for geeks.”

Always raises a smile. Always starts a conversation.

Here are a few more examples:

• Product Manager:

“The art of turning chaos into reality.”

• Software Architect:

“I build castles in the cloud – metaphorically speaking, of course.”

• Engineer:

“Basically, I figure out how systems can fail fabulously to get them to succeed seamlessly.”

These hooks spark curiosity and make your workplace communication instantly more memorable.

The Power Of The Hook

When you throw out your hook, people will often start connecting with their own need for your service. For example, with the Engineer above, they may start describing how their own engineers are battling related issues. This gives a chance to tweak your Elevator Pitch, below, so that it’s customised to that individual’s needs.

A better way to introduce yourself

If the other person signals that they want to know more, then you can use this structure, which is the Elevator Pitch.

I HELP [your audience]
DO [the thing you help them achieve]
SO THAT [the benefit or outcomes they get]

Let’s give Colm a makeover:

“I HELP external clients

CHOOSE the right combination of technical solutions

SO THAT they get the best options for their customer success management.”

Now we’re talking. His listeners might even lean in and ask, “How?”Boom—conversation started. Networking skills activated.

Here’s mine:

“I HELP specialists in tech

BECOME communication experts

SO THAT they can present with power, tell stories that stick, and manage up, down, and sideways.”

There’s no jargon or fluff. Go for clarity. Be concise. Then you can get on with building on the connection you’ve started.

Expanding Your Elevator Pitch

Once you’ve caught their interest, the next question will often be ‘How?’.

Don’t go into reams of detail. This chat is often a preliminary to a fuller conversation or proposal. A short ‘Pain-Pivot-Prize’ story will be likely to incite enough curiosity to push the interaction on to the next stage.

Colm’s anecdote might centre on a client similar to the person with whom they’re taking, focusing on how they took a chaotic patch of CMS systems that didn’t talk to each other and consolidated them into a custom-build hub. The result is that customer tickets are dealt with quicker and Customer Success ratings have shot up. Here’s a quick framework you can use.

The Elevator Pitch In Video

Here’s my lovely neighbour, Toni, in her starring role. Can’t say I treated her too well in the first scene but you may not blame me when you hear

Longer Elevator Pitches

Think of Elevator Pitches as accordions. When I work with startup founders on their pitches, it’s common that a three-minute one is necessary. Here’s the structure for that particular situation.

Common Intro Slip-ups

• Hiding behind your job title thinking it explains everything.

• Using vague verbs like “support” or “facilitate” (what does that even mean?)

• Forgetting the benefit—what’s in it for them? What outcomes do people gain working with you?

The Triple Pitch

Often you need one Elevator Pitch for yourself, one for your department - more common in Enterprise companies - and one for your company if you’re networking on their behalf. This needs to be agreed internally to be on-brand and consistent. That’s the sort of thing I do with companies, in case you’re wondering...

Your Actions:

1. Next time, you need to introduce yourself, use the HOOK and I HELP / DO/ SO THAT structure.

2. Need this for your team or company? Share it, creating a coherent message among clients, prospects, investors and other stakeholders.

3. Practise in low risk situations. Check how your hook and pitch land. See what feels comfortable. Tweak what works then use it.

Need more support with your communication skills? Getting your Elevator Pitch right during Networking Skills Training is one of many elements I cover. Go here if you’re aiming to become less vanilla and more THRILLER with your Communication Skills.

Get in touch with me here and book a free 15-minute Discovery Call.

Most people think their presentation skills will magically kick in when they need them. They trust adrenaline, charisma, or “I’ll just wing it.” And that’s exactly when things unravel: too many words, not enough clarity, and zero influencing power—especially when speaking to senior management, where every minute counts and every tangent dilutes your message.

The real goal is simple: be clear, be succinct, and choose a structure that matches the tone of the moment. Different situations demand different shapes. A Board briefing is not an inspirational talk. A five‑minute proposal is not a fireside story. Yet people often treat them the same, which is why they don’t get what they need from the room.

One of the biggest pitfalls? Avoiding objections. When speaking with the Board, many presenters skip the uncomfortable bits—budget concerns, risks, trade‑offs—leaving a giant, lumbering elephant in the room. Senior leaders always spot what you’re avoiding. If you don’t name it, it becomes the reason they don’t say yes.

So here are three simple, printable structures, each designed for a specific purpose, each helping you stay sharp, credible, and influential.

1. The Briefing to the Board (30 minutes)

Purpose: A strategic update that boosts credibility and earns trust.

This structure keeps you focused on what senior management actually cares about: priorities, impact, and risk.

• Opening: Hook them fast. Outline what’s coming. Clarify when questions fit.

• Big Picture Data: Map your update to their strategic goals. Give a headline, support it with data, and ground it with a real example.

• Collaboration: Show cross‑functional alignment. Boards want to see you’re not operating in a silo.

• Future Forecast: Be outcome‑focused. If there are multiple paths ahead, show you’ve mapped them.

• Conclusion: Summarise, invite questions, and offer a clear next step.

This is the structure that stops rambling dead in its tracks and positions you as someone who understands the wider game. There’s an example here for you.

2. The Inspirational Talk (30 minutes)

Purpose: Fire them up, shift perspective, spark action.

When influencing through emotion and story, structure is your safety net. It keeps you from drifting into autobiography and ensures your message lands with intention.

• Opening: Introduce the theme with an analogy or a shared human truth.

• Body:

  • Story 1: The beginning or the first challenge

  • Story 2: The crunch point

  • Story 3: The resolution or realisation

These can be chronological or separate stories tied together by a single theme. Unsure how to go about telling a story? Go here for that.

• Conclusion: Reinforce the theme, share the legacy of your learning, and give the audience something to carry forward.

This is how you stay inspiring without becoming indulgent.

3. The Proposal (5 minutes)

Purpose: Rapid influence when time is tight.

This is the PROEP—your go‑to when speaking to senior management and you need a fast, confident “yes.”

• Proposal: State what you want in two sentences.

• Reason: Show you understand what they want from this.

• Objection: Name the elephant. Address it. Offer the solution.

• Evidence: Stats, facts, or a precedent that proves it works.

• Proposal (again): Re‑state the ask, now reinforced.

This is the antidote to waffle. It’s clean, sharp, and impossible to misunderstand. Go here for examples.

Your Action

1. Print These Out.

2. Keep Them Handy.

3. Refer to them when the moment calls.

If you love a good visual shortcut, you’ll adore Snap: The Infographics Vault. It’s packed with one‑page versions of all my communication tools – for free. Get to the vault here.

Different rooms require different weapons. Whether you’re briefing the Board, inspiring a team, or pitching a proposal, these structures give you the backbone you need to stay succinct, credible, and influential. Use them as scaffolding. Let them sharpen your presentation skills. And the next time you’re speaking to senior management, you won’t be winging it: you’ll be landing it.

If you’re serious about levelling up your presentation skills, especially in high stakes situations, then book a time that suits you for a free 15-minute Discovery Call here to see if we can work together. No strings attached: just a call to see how I might help you or your people.

Begging for a lectern to grab on to when you present? Insist on holding a pen with one hand and the clicker with the other like they’re sacred relics? I don’t blame you. Presenting feels like exposure and props offer comfort. Ask anyone who’s been shipwrecked.

But here’s the twist: even when you don’t have props, the body finds other ways to cope. And those habits - while comforting - quietly sabotage your authority.

To most presenters, props are simply the lesser of two evils. Without them your body language language would quietly scream, “I’d rather be anywhere else”.

The First Few Seconds: Where Presence Is Won or Lost

When I train groups in presentation skills, the first few minutes on stage are revealing. Exposure is high, and the body doesn’t lie. People default to familiar postures—ones that reflect discomfort more than confidence and undermine your impact.

These habits often split along gender lines. So let’s talk about that.

Firstly, allow me to introduce my glamorous models who so artfully embodied awkwardness. They are the naturally expressive Heather Urquhart from the Oliver-award winning Showstoppers and Kareem Badr from improv troupe, PGraph, who scooped up the Austin Critics Table Award. They assisted me on a series of immersive courses on Listening and Improv for MSLs in Pharma, about which more you can learn here.

Women, Are You Shrinking to Fit the Stage?

Some postures whisper “don’t look at me”: even when you’re the one holding the mic, and these four are the most common I see among women.

1. Feet Rolling or Turning Inwards: A subtle cue that you’re trying to take up less space.

2. The Choir Girl: Arms and legs converge like you’re trying to shrink into invisibility

3. Hair Stroking: Comforting, yes. Authoritive? Not so much.

4 The Teapot: One hand on the hip, the other gesturing. It radiates “I’m telling you how it is” - but not always in a good way. Carry on with these and we’ll be getting our tea strainers out.

Men: Evolution Not Your Thing?

According to primary school history lessons, men used to spend their days fighting wild animals and eventually eating them. But unless you’re from certain parts of the country, chances are you’ve evolved and now chase fewer beasts through the street.

1. Neck stroking: Unless a pterodactyl is eyeing you from behind the whiteboard, hands off the throat. Tensions significantly manifest in this area. Joe Navarro, expert in body language and ex-FBI investigator discusses in this three-minute video how neck or throat stroking for men, and touching for women is common when stress kicks in.

2. The Penalty Shoot-out Pose:: Hands over your assets, legs apart. Fine for delivering your presentation 18 yards from the goalposts at Wembley: not so great for Wednesday’s pitch meeting.

3. Hands on hips: Feels secure, looks like a Toby mug.

4. The Pocket Fumbler: Distracting, and makes us wondering what you’ve lost.

What to do instead.

Knacker your arms: Letting them hang heavy before you speak is a technique I learned from drama school. It drains tension and resets your stance. Here’s a short video showing your to do that - in private - before you speak in public.

Reduce nerves: Here are three ways you can take control of your nerves, instead of them controlling you.

Stand confidently: Positioning yourself like this helps you look more self-assured - even if you’re sh!tting yourself. In fact, standing in this way generates more confidence. Amy Cuddy’s famous study of Power Posing confirms this.

Use gesture as soon as possible: this not only diffuses nerves but boosts your expressiveness - a two in one deal. When you don’t know what to do with your arms, here’s where I show you how to use gesture effectively the right way.

Don’t begin a presentation with your name: Doing that makes it gesturing feel unnatural. In fact, beginning with your name or job role doesn’t reflect how we naturally speak so you’ll start awkwardly. Your job - at the outset of a presentation - is to get their attention, then make it relevant and only afterwards do you need to say who you are. And even that’s not always necessary. Want a quick template for that? It’s here.

Your Action Steps:

Got a presentation coming up?

1. Spend a minute or so doing the arm exercise

2. If standing, adjust for the neutral position for the tweak I give in the video above;

3. Gesture early.

4. Use the Opening Structure to ease you into the content.

These tiny tweaks help you begin with presence and carry it through. Forget the shrinking, the fidgeting, the invisible armour. You’re already the person they came to listen to - and they’re far more on your side than you think.

Want to boost your Presentation prowess? I’ve got your back: look at my range of Presentation Skills training and coaching options. Boost your Public Speaking techniques with one-to-one or group learning. Find the solution that suits you: contact me here for a 15 minute Discovery Call. No strings attached. Be less vanilla and more THRILLER!

I once worked with a client on his presentation skills who proudly announced he was “a Red.” Not a fashion choice - though for a moment I wondered if I’d accidentally become his personal stylist - but the colour‑coding of Insights/Jungian psychology. In that system, “Red” is the dominant, decisive, directive type.

He’d been told to default to type when presenting. And because that was the energy he felt most comfortable in, he took it as permission to double down. Stay in the box. Lead with force. Keep the edge sharp.

Consequently, his team experienced him as unapproachable - even authoritarian. And the more they pulled back, the more he interpreted it as a signal to push harder.

This became a self‑reinforcing loop: “They’re distant → I must be stronger → They retreat further → I double down again.”

That’s the trap of type‑based communication. It validates your comfort zone, even when the room needs something entirely different.

Knowing your preferred communication style is useful in that it shows you where you naturally start. But staying there is where the trouble begins. When you lock into one mode, you stop meeting people where they are. You communicate from habit instead of intention. And the moment the room needs something different, you’re suddenly out of sync.

Equate this to driving. You don’t stay in the same gear but adapt during the journey.

Most of us default to a single mode when presenting or communicating: calm authority, relational warmth, contagious energy, or decisive direction.

However, flexibility is not a “nice to have” in communication. It’s the whole game.

So instead of forcing yourself to perform one fixed “type,” there’s a better approach: treat communication as a set of modes you can choose from. Not boxes. Not colours. Not destiny. Tools. Each one solves a different problem in the room. The real skill is knowing which energy to reach for in the moment.

Because once you stop clinging to a single style, you unlock something far more powerful: range. And that’s where these four presentation modes come in. They’re the cleanest way to understand the energies that actually move a room - the ones great communicators shift between with intention, not instinct.

Let’s break them open.

The Four Communication Styles To Integrate Into Your Presentations.

Most presenters default to one communication energy: but great communicators can shift.

Across thousands of talks, workshops, and pitches, four repeatable modes show up again and again:

🟦- The Sage: calm authority
🟩- The Connector: relational depth
🟨- The Enthusiast: contagious momentum
🟥- The Boss: decisive direction

The point is to be able to move intentionally into each mode, depending on the moment.

When To Shift Type

Each mode has a different function in the room. You’ll probably have your default. See if you can spot it here:

🟦 The Sage 🧠

Says: “Let’s bring some evidence and experience into the room.”
Function: Adds clarity, context, and credibility.
Subtext: “I’ve seen this before - let me show you the pattern.”

🟩The Connector 🫱🏼‍🫲🏿

Says:“I get you.”
Function: Regulates emotion and builds trust.
Subtext:“You’re safe, seen, and not alone.”

🟨 The Enthusiast 🔥

Says: “You’ll love this!”
Function: Generates energy and momentum.
Subtext: “This is exciting — come with me.”

🟥The Boss 💼

Says: “Here’s what we’re doing.”
Function: Cuts through noise and creates alignment.
Subtext:“I’m making the call so we can move.”

The one‑line summary version

Sage: “Here are the facts.”
Connector: “Here’s how I get you.”
Enthusiast: “Here’s the spark.”
Boss: “Here’s the call.”

Your Action Step One:

At this point, you’ll probably realise that you’ve one or two specific preferences. Which one(s) is your go-to? Now read on to see how you can extend your style.

A Deeper Dive - And The Risks

🟦The Sage 🧠

Core vibe: Calm authority, strategic insight

Language style: Precise, layered, often process-driven and fact or evidence-led.

Use when: you’re introducing change, a new direction or a course of action to give assurance that there’s a basis for this request.

Strengths:

• Simplifies complexity – uses analogy or experience.

• Commands respect through clarity and depth

Risks:

• Can feel aloof or overly intellectual

• May default to monologue over dialogue

Example phrases:

“Here’s the principle behind this…”

“Let’s zoom out for a moment.”

“This pattern shows up across industries.”

🟩The Connector 🫱🏼‍🫲🏿

Core vibe: Warmth, empathy, relational depth

Language style: Inclusive, validating, emotionally intelligent, tends to use stories and open questions that invite dialogue

Use when: there’s cynicism or a sense of defensiveness in the room. Also useful for introducing solution that might initially unsettle listeners. Add warmth when there’s a challenge ahead and they want to see your empathy.

Strengths:

• Builds trust quickly, especially when showing the problem and desire from the audience’s perspective.

• Excellent at matching and labelling [for example “That sounds like”, “It must be,”] paraphrasing in-person.

• Echoes their language, even if it’s not yours.

Risks:

• May over-accommodate or dilute boundaries

• Can lose authority if not anchored with the Sage.

Example phrases:

“Sounds like you’re navigating a lot.”

“Let’s unpack that together.”

“You’re not alone in this.”

🟨 The Enthusiast 🔥

Core vibe: Energy, momentum, contagious optimism, yellow, jazz hands, sparkles

Language style: Punchy, expressive, often metaphor-rich, often declarative – making statements or asking rhetorical questions e.g. “Isn’t this..” / “Look how…”. Definitely doesn’t use the words, ‘hope’ or ‘try’. Here’s what you can use instead.

Use when: you want to add energy as the room is flagging or there’s a need to maintain energy. Great for introducing solutions and presenting a transformation linked to the audience’s motivators.

Strengths:

• Inspires action

• Makes ideas feel doable and exciting

Risks:

• Can feel scattered or ungrounded

• May skip over nuance or emotional depth

• People might view your statements as presumptive

Example phrases:

• “This is a game-changer!”

• “Do it. ” (Not “try this“)

• “Let’s make this fun and fast.”

🟥 The Boss 💼

Core vibe: Decisive authority, direction-setting, unapologetic clarity

Language style: Direct, distilled, outcome‑focused. Short sentences. Strong verbs. No hedging. No emotional cushioning unless intentional. Here’s how people might unintentionally undermine their ‘boss’ persona.

Use when: there’s a need for direction or to reset the dynamics when people are less focused.

Strengths

• Cuts through noise and accelerates decisions

• Sets standards, boundaries, and expectations with zero faff

• Creates psychological safety through clarity (“Here’s what’s happening. Here’s what’s next.”)

Risks

• Can feel blunt, domineering, or dismissive if untempered

• May shut down nuance, dissent, or emotional expression

• If overused, can create compliance instead of commitment

• Without the Sage or Connector, can come across as “my way or nothing”

Example phrases

“Here’s what we’re doing.”

“This is the standard.”

“That’s not acceptable — here’s the fix.”

“We’re moving forward.”

“This is the decision.”

Matching The Energy To The Room

None of these personae is “better.” Each solves a different communication problem.

The magic is in knowing which energy the moment needs:

🟦When the room is confused → Sage
🟩 When the room is tense → Connector
🟨When the room is flat → Enthusiast
🟥 When the room is drifting → Boss

Don’t Box Yourself In

Mastering presentations isn’t about being ‘one type’ but about being fluent: about shifting gears with intention

Remember: most of us are a blend of styles — and we shift more than we realise.

Your Action Step Two:

Pick one of the types you feel you underuse when you communicate or present. Integrate it.

Here’s a great visual showing how you can non-verbally switch modes

Changing Your Tune

A while back, I went to a friend’s event about living on fermented foods. The room was full of people praising the pickled, which is more or less how I felt after the fifth presentation about how kombucha had transformed someone’s soul. The phrase that kept surfacing was “I feel…” Over and over. Very Green.

Twenty‑five years ago, I probably wouldn’t have noticed. But after years of working with research-heavy, data-driven clients - from Pharma to Software - I’ve needed to adapt. I’ve learned to speak Sage when the moment demands it.

So there I was, surrounded by jars of kimchi and kefir, silently screaming for a single data point. No evidence. No research. Just a lot of feelings about fermented cabbage. It drove me absolutely nuts.

And that’s the point: we can change. We do change. Our communication modes evolve with our environments, our audiences, and our responsibilities. The skill isn’t in clinging to one identity - it’s in choosing the right energy for the room you’re in.

Escape the Drama: The Psychology of Difficult Conversations at Work

Frankie Kemp

9 January 2026

All Posts, Effective Communication, Featured, Influencing and Persuasion

Ever found yourself in a conversation that spirals from “Where should we meet?” to “May you be crushed underfoot by a rogue tractor”?

It sounds absurd but emotionally charged dynamics often escalate faster than logic can catch up.

Whether it’s work, family, or friendships, we sometimes get trapped in a loop that feels involuntary, inescapable, and insane.

It’s like being trapped in an escape room where you can’t see the exit.

The likelihood is that you’re trapped in the Drama Triangle, a deceptively simple framework that reveals the psychological choreography behind difficult conversations, on which I gave the keynote at the Charity IT Leaders Annual Conference.

The emotional fall out of being trapped in the Drama Triangle can be highly stressful. You’ll see families trapped in this communication hell hole.

From what I’ve seen in my communication skills training from Tech to Marketing, when Senior Leaders take on one of the three roles within the triangle, this spills down to all levels creating a toxic environment.

In this post, I’ll show you:

1. What the roles are

2. How we can bounce from one to another

3. Ways in which we mis-identify a role

4. What keeps us stuck and, of course,

5. The healthier, happier alternative to The Drama Triangle

The Three Roles You’ll Meet at Work (or in your life, more generally)

Referring back to that escape room which I mentioned above, we’ll now turn the lights on so you can see the behavioural clues. Psychiatrist Stephen Karpman, who also trained as an actor, mapped out three recurring roles in conflict:

🛟 The Martyr

(Karpman calls this role ‘The Rescuer’ but they Rescue at a cost to themselves so I’m renaming this ‘The Martyr’)

“Don’t worry – I’ll sort it.”

“I’ll stay late and fix it. You’ve got enough on your plate.”

“I’ll take care of it. I don’t want you worrying.”

• They mop up messes, over-function, and sacrifice themselves for others.

• Often praised for being helpful but underneath lies exhaustion and quiet resentment.

Support without boundaries becomes sacrifice. And sacrifice without clarity breeds resentment. That’s the triangle, right there.

😩 The Victim

“I’m just doing what I can – there’s so much flying at me.”

“I can’t do that – I’m ADHD.”

“I don’t have the resources or contacts like they do.”

• Feels powerless, overwhelmed, and stuck.

• May use labels (diagnoses, circumstances) to justify inaction. This might be the case but sometimes it serves to highlight a self-limiting script.

😠 The Persecutor

“You made me miss the deadline.”

“This happened because of you.”

“You always / never…..”

• Blames, attacks, and avoids responsibility.

• Sometimes mislabelled especially when they’re simply setting boundaries – see below under ‘The Persecutor Myth’.

See the dynamic at a bus shelter:

The Victim is standing right beside the shelter, getting drenched. Not underneath it: help is literally within his reach and control but he’s oblivious to it.

The Martyr enables his feeling of helplessness while getting herself soaked, by handing The Victim her umbrella. She could have directed him to the shelter instead, but that’s not the groove she’s in right now.

The Persecutor stands raging that they’ve both made it rain.

How the Triangle Rotates

Let’s take a real-world example from a clinical director in a pharmaceutical company.

She’s emotionally attuned, generous, and competent. Her manager, who reports to her, is charming, well-liked, and fond of dropping vague strategic comments in Outlook chats, whilst attending multiple committee meetings that have no impact on his role but maximise his visibility.

However, she spins his sparse and hazy contributions into gold during meetings, inflating his involvement to protect his reputation. The more she does this, the more she feel unsupported.

Eventually, when he wants a promotion, she doesn’t back him. She knows he’s not pulling his weight. And that’s when the triangle turns.

He becomes the Persecutor:

• Snide remarks in meetings.

• Side-eyes, and sneer-typing during virtual meetings.

• “I thought we were friends.”

She, once The Martyr, now feels like the Victim: cornered, gaslit, and questioning her own judgment. Ironically, he too feels like a Victim but lashes out at her like a Persecutor, adding another nuance to the triangle: you may feel hard done by while digging at others.

The Persecutor Myth

Beware though: not everyone who says “no” is a villain.

Take the Tech Head in a charity who tells the fundraising team they can’t have that shiny new CRM. Suddenly, they’re labelled the Dark Force.

They’re the blocker, the buzzkill, the Persecutor.

But maybe they’re protecting data integrity: budget or system integration.

On a social level, it’s not unusual to be considered as a Persecutor if you’re putting down boundaries, especially if people aren’t used to you doing that.

Sometimes saying “no” is the most emotionally intelligent move in the room. (Here are four ways to do that – without getting fired.)

Why We Stay Stuck

Self Labelling:

Victimhood isn’t always loud. Sometimes it hides in self-talk:

“I can’t do that – I’m neurodivergent.”

“I’m not strategic – I’m more of a doer.”

“I’m just trying to survive the week.”

These aren’t lies. But they can become psychological escape hatches, shrinking our opportunities so we can justify our stuckness.

Labelling your emotion, rather than your identity is a scientifically-backed technique that minimises unhelpful feelings. That’s number 11 in this list here, where you’ll find 10 other ways to navigate your emotions.

Stress:

On a good day, The Drama Triangle might be an alien concept. When you feel ‘got at’, burdened, tired or pushed in one way or another, you may instinctively bounce to one of those roles: The Martyr, The Victim or The Persecutor.

How to Escape the Triangle

We’ve switched on the escape room lights, you’ve seen the clues but now what you want is the exit. David Emerald’s Empowerment Dynamic offers a way out:

Martyr → Coach:

Support without over-functioning.

Ask: What do I want? What do they already have that I don’t need to provide?

Victim → Creator:

Shift from “woe is me” to “what can I do?”

Ask: What resources do I have? What’s something similar I’ve achieved before?

Persecutor → Challenger:

Turn commands into questions.

Ask: How can I help them grow without rescuing them?

Download this now 👇🏼

If you love a good visual shortcut, you’ll adore Snap: The Infographics Vault. It’s packed with one‑page versions of all my communication tools – for free. Get to the vault here.

Final Thought

The Drama Triangle isn’t just dramatic: it’s exhausting. But once you name the roles, frame the story, and break the chain, you reclaim your autonomy.

As Viktor Frankl said:

“Everything can be taken from a person but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.”

And that’s what emotionally intelligent communication gives you: the power to turn the lights on in the escape room, spot the clues, and walk out with your dignity intact.

Your Action Steps

When stressed, we will often fall into one of the roles within the triangle: the victim, martyr or persecutor.

1. Is there a role into which you instinctively collapse?

2. If so, look at the David Emerald Empowerment Dynamic. What’s the thinking that will pull you out of that role hole?

My communication skills training and coaching can address issues such as these to transform how you react to situations in and out of work. Find out more about what I can do with you or your teams here.

Get in touch for a no-strings 15-minute Discovery Call here.

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🎤It’s show time, folks - the presentation.

They’ve introduced you as you sidle onto the platform, scrabble around for the clicker, and mumble your name and company. You may mention the subject, then launch into the data. Once you’ve emerged from a stat attack, you tentatively add, “Any questions?” There’s a deathly silence. You conclude with “Thanks” before shuffling off with relief.

Whether you’re doing a keynote talk or presenting to your leadership team, there are better ways to deliver your message.

It starts with a scaffold—a structure that helps you:

✅ Set expectations

✅ Manage different concerns within your audience

✅ Make your key points land with impact

✅ Make your material relatable

✅ Be remembered for the right reasons

And not only that – this might be your main intention—your listeners take action.

🧱 The Presentation Structure Template

This framework breaks your presentation into three core sections: Opening, Main, and Conclusion. Each part is designed to guide your audience, build trust, and make your message stick.

🔹 Opening (2 minutes max)

This is your launchpad. In this short window, you need to:

1. Hook the audience with an attention-grabber i.e. a ‘spice’ such as a quote or anecdote.

2. Explain the WIIFM – States the ‘What’s In It For Me?’ from your listeners’ perspective

3. Establish credibility – why you’re the right person to speak

4. Outline the route map – set the areas you’ll cover

5. State the duration – so they know what to expect

6. Indicate if and when there are questions to manage audience input

7. Mention any caveats – relevant when there are differentiators in your audience

🔹 Main Body

This is where your message unfolds. (Plan it this way.) Keep it clear, engaging, and relevant:

1. Topic sentence – make your point up front.

2. Examples – illustrate your point with real-world examples that fit the audience.

3. Stats and facts – add credibility with the evidence

4. Spice – stories, quotes, or analogies to engage and relate, inciting emotional responses

5. Relevance – always tie it back to your audience’s world with the WIIFM.

🔹 Conclusion

Don’t just fizzle out—finish with flair:

1. Summarise your main points – repeat the WIIFM while you’re at it. Here’s how.

2. Ask for questions – no time? Then state how people can follow up.

3. End on a high—a quote, a story, or a bold statement

4. Offer an Action Step – there’s a bunch of ideas here (with another picture full of actions)

💬Example WIIFM Phrases

To make your message resonate, use phrases like:

• “So this means you…”

• “This is where this matters to you…”

• “You’ll be seeing [benefit] in action…”

• “I’m going to show you [benefit]…”

These help your audience connect the dots between your content and their needs. There’s a downloadable resource here showing how you can phrase your key message at different points in your presentation.

Your Actions

1. Print out this download and save it.

2. Want to know more about any of those sections? Click the links in the sections above.

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Want to become a Communication Ninja but short of time?

I’m creating a growing library of snappy, one-page infographics covering everything from storytelling and persuasion to handling tricky conversations and leading meetings. These are practical, punchy, and constantly updated to help you be less robot.

📚 Explore the full collection in my Google Drive Vault – FOR FREE

Need to get good quick? Whether it’s that update to Senior Leaders, communicating with reports or managers of a pressing need to speak so others want to listen, hop on to a free 15-minute Discovery Call here to see if we can work together. No strings attached.

Giving feedback isn’t an optional communication tool for any leader or manager. Done well, it fuels engagement, retention, and profit. Done badly, it drains motivation and drives staff turnover, costing both time and money.

The Link Between Feedback And The Bottom Line

Evidence abounds of that feedback fuels employee engagement - and engagement drives performance. Gallup conducted multiple meta-analyses (notably in 2002, 2013, and 2020), noting that teams with high engagement see 21% higher profitability and 17% higher productivity.

Disengagement, on the other hand, comes with a brutal price tag:

• The price of disengaged staff: According to a report by McKinsey (2023) disengagement costs a median S&P 500 company $1.1 billion over 5 years

And if you need to replace an under-performer, the costs are eye-watering.

• Staff turnover costs: a Gallup study found that staff turnover costs range from 50% to 200% of annual salary per role of the individual’s annual salary depending on the role level.

Yet, many managers either give feedback poorly or avoid it altogether.

One manager I worked for managed to avoid feedback to any of the team. Our results would justify the pay rise that might have taken us to living wages so he sidestepped the process completely. I later discovered that the CEO would brag at board meetings about being able to keep “real talent on very low wages”. She ignored that fact that staff turnover was through the roof: a time-consuming and expensive consequence of their conversation-dodge policy.

A lack of feedback – or feedback given badly - is operational as well as emotional. When it’s absent or handled badly, motivation tanks, performance stalls and staff turnover spikes. It’s a drain on talent, time and profit.

Badly Delivered Feedback Backfires

This study by Rogito and Makabe, 2023, focusing on collective research of feedback skills, unearthed what happens when feedback is done badly:

• Decreased motivation and engagement: Vague or overly critical feedback demoralises employees, making them less likely to invest effort or initiative.

• Reduced job satisfaction: When feedback feels unhelpful or hostile, employees may disengage emotionally from their roles.

• Increased staff turnover: Poor feedback practices, especially public shaming or lack of follow-up, can drive employees to leave, costing organisations time and talent.

• Damaged manager-employee relationships: Feedback delivered with judgement or without empathy erodes trust, making future collaboration harder.

• Communication breakdown: Ineffective feedback creates confusion about expectations, leading to misalignment and missed opportunities for growth.

Well Delivered Feedback Drives Performance

• Increased motivation and engagement: Specific, timely feedback energises employees by affirming their strengths and guiding their growth, making them more likely to take initiative and invest effort.

• Improved job satisfaction: When feedback is constructive and respectful, employees feel valued and supported, deepening their emotional connection to their role and the organisation.

• Higher retention rates: Feedback that reinforces progress and offers clear development paths helps employees envision a future within the organisation, reducing the desire to seek opportunities elsewhere.

• Stronger manager-employee relationships: Feedback delivered with empathy and clarity builds trust, signaling that managers are invested in their team’s success and open to dialogue.

• Enhanced communication and alignment: Effective feedback clarifies expectations, aligns goals, and fosters a shared language for growth - minimising confusion and maximising collaboration.

Go For Regular Feedback - and make it fast

Reviewing your team’s progress and sticking points can’t wait until the quarterly or annual review. Business moves too fast for that and it’s easy to become demotivated with constant fluctuations and challenges. According to Gallup data, employees are nearly four times more likely to strongly agree that their motivation to do outstanding work rockets when their manager provides daily - as opposed to annual - feedback. So how do you give that feedback easily and regularly without a one-hour review and five-page report to write up at 3am?

You drop that feedback into a conversation, like a conversational pipette into a glass of water.

Fast Feedback Formula - Example One:

1. Pinpoint a specific behaviour that’s positive: “Thanks for spotting an issue with the system performance.

2. Add its impact: For example: Although not a priority today, it’s necessary to keep track of this regularly.

3. Say what you need now: “Right now, I need you to focus on the business product. That’s the priority.”

4. Link it to its impact: “This will mean we’ll be able to deliver the system earlier for the business side. Big differences, sooner.”

5. Suggest a next step to make it tangible and observable. “Please measure the current system performance to see if it’s ready for release today.”

6. Drop it into the conversation like a pipette. Done. See above.

Get one-pager illustrations for each transformational communication tool in ‘Snap: The Infographics Vault’ here.

Fast Feedback Example - Example Two:

1. Pinpoint a specific behaviour that’s positive: “I really appreciated how you all built on each other’s ideas today - especially how Priya’s question about user flow sparked that whole thread on onboarding friction.”

2. Add its impact: “That kind of collaborative exchange is exactly what helps us to pinpoint blind spots early.”

3. Say what you need now: “Next time, let’s capture those sparks in a shared doc as we go.”

4. Link it to impact: “Then we can keep track of actions.”

5. Suggest a next step to make it tangible and observable: “Des, can you share a Google Link for the shared doc?”

6. Drop it into the conversation like a pipette. Done. See above.

Fast Feedback Advantages:

• Minimises ‘Difficult Conversations’: Managers decrease the possibility of ‘challenging interactions’, steering behaviours before they become significant issues.

• Retains and develops talent: fast feedback results in developing ideas, talent and - in the longer term - succession planning.

• Supports agility: business and tech moves at breakneck speed. Fast and frequent feedback helps your people to navigate the rapid twists and turns.

The Four Principles for Feedback

Before I detail the differences between good and bad feedback, there are four main tenets that make it effective.

1. Start with strengths

2. Use specific examples

3. Offer actionable suggestions

4. Follow up to reinforce change

Effective Feedback – The Dos and Don’ts

Giving feedback isn’t about delivering a verdict. When done well it’s about clearer communication, better business outcomes and stronger employee relationships. But too often, feedback feels like a slap disguised as a handshake. So let’s fix that.

Here’s your guide to feedback that lands with clarity - without the collateral damage.

1. Timing is everything

Immediate feedback isn’t always wise.

❌ Don’t add critique to a panic spiral or shame by calling someone out in front of others.

✅ Wait until the dust settles. Then discuss.

2. First, fix the furniture

Before you speak, check your positioning. Literally.

❌ Don’t sit opposite them. It feels like a courtroom.

✅ Sit side-by-side or at a 90-degree angle. It signals collaboration, not confrontation.

3. Make the feedback into a dialogue

❌ Don’t launch in with “I’d like a word.”

✅ Ask open questions, such as:

1. “How are you getting on?”

2. “What do you think went well?”

3. “What do you think could be done differently?”

4. “What could be further improved?”

5. “How can this be achieved?”

In combination with techniques such as matching to build rapport, you’ll find that your team member will offer up their own challenges, saving you the pain of having to do it yourself.

Questions invite a non-judgemental, psychologically safe structure for feedback, encouraging self-directed learning and ownership in a collaborative manner. Findings from an Oxford Academics workplace feedback study emphasise the importance involving the recipient in the process of setting expectations. The study found that such feedback is likelier to be accepted, internalised and acted upon than passively receiving a critique.

4. Deliver written feedback like a slow reveal

❌Don’t show the whole platter at once. The eyes tend to jump ahead and the feedback recipient will rapidly become more defensive.

✅ Reveal point by point in a slow reveal.

5. Start with the positives

❌Avoid going straight in with a blame bucket.

✅Notice what’s working, for example:

1. They’re trying.

2. They care.

3. They pay attention to detail (be specific).

Studies reveal that feedback which recognises the positive is more likely to transform any negatives.

6. Be precise on the behaviour, as opposed to vague or unspecific

Note too that generalisations are the enemy of growth.

❌ “You always…” / “You never…”

✅ Be specific: “Here’s what I observed in these situations…”

7. Be outcome focused

❌Emphasise desired behaviours

✅Don’t get stuck in a blame game

Research shows that feedback delivered with an emphasis on strengths and future improvement not only neutralises defensiveness but also boost the individual’s performance. This results in significantly higher performance. This statement acts as a scaffold for you to achieve this with reports:

“If you do it [this specific way], we’ll see [insert benefit].”

8. Depersonalise when it’s sensitive

❌Don’t call out individuals in front of others for unwanted behaviours or under-performance.

✅ Make it a group talk.

✅ Keep the door open: “If anyone wants to speak about this, please do…”

9. Assume good intent - even when the behaviour’s off

❌Avoid putting them on the defensive by implying wilfully errant actions.

✅Allow people to save face and lower defensiveness by assuming a misjudged but reasonable aim.

Example: They disclosed sensitive info to a client. You could go ballistic. But they’ll just dig in. Instead:

“You told Nigel because you wanted to keep him in the loop. But here’s what happened…”

Remember to keep the feedback future-facing so you’re not trapped in a blame game. For example, be clear on what might be considered confidential to avoid this happening again.

10. Follow up or fade out

❌Don’t assume the feedback is a one-and-done.

✅ Check progress in a follow-up dialogue

✅ Reinforce the good stuff. It’s how you get more of it.

How To Reinforce Non-Negotiables

Sometimes, managers need to be more directive. It’s not a request, an act that can be negotiated. You may need to tell, not ask.

1. Story: “It was hard for me too. I did this thing - it helped.” Here’s a simple structure to convey an anecdote.

2. Loss/Gain: “You’ll avoid Nick breathing down your neck / gain extra time.”

3. Quid Pro Quo: Call in the power of reciprocity with “You do this for me because I’m doing this for you.”

4. It’s Life: “Honestly, it’s worse elsewhere.”

5. Rationale: “It’s like this because…”

Here’s another approach to being directive.

Giving Feedback - What To Do and What To Avoid: Summary

Your Action:

1. Identify someone you need to whom feedback would be beneficial. Remember if they’re doing well, tell them exactly what it is. That way it’s more likely to be sustained.

If there are areas of development, make that clear too, making the feedback focused on desired results.

1. Need to be more directive? This week could you be your time.

Feedback done well is more than a course correct or a back-patting exercise. It builds trust and fuels growth both on an individual and organisational level.

Need techniques to communicate up, down and sideways? I customise the right ones for you in my communications skills training. Whether you need that or to sharpen conversational skills, that’s where I help technical leaders and their teams.

Contact me, Frankie Kemp for a 15-minute, no strings attached, Discovery Call. No commitment, just a chat to see if we can work together.

Photo by Vitaly Gariev at pexels.com

Many managers were once permitted to let their technical flair rule the day. Once promoted, they become further away from that skillset and more involved with managing relationships. If that’s you, my experience tell me you’ll either relish that part of the role or it’ll be the bane of your day.

It’s as if you go from playing in the orchestra to conducting. However, in place of the baton, it’s communication skills that are now vital in harmonising between teams, leaders and customers. There are seven roles that those communication skills span, one of which is The Coach to facilitate those coaching-style conversations that pinpoint challenges and develop your team.

But here’s the rub:

• You’re not a coach (that’s a whole other job).

• You haven’t been on that course.

• And time? You barely have enough to finish your own tasks.

Last week, we tackled feedback and how to deliver it in a snap, with an example of something you’ll favour: Fast Feedback. But sometimes, the aim of your conversations is more diagnosis than feedback.

And that can feel like fumbling for a light switch in a pitch-black room.

That’s where the Motivation Ladder comes in. It’s a simple framework to help you find the switch, so you can work out what’s missing in terms of motivation.

The Motivation Ladder: A Shortcut to Smarter Coaching Conversations

Origin: Based on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs, simplified and taught in NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming).

Purpose: To surface what’s missing, misaligned, or quietly draining motivation, without needing a psychology degree or a two-hour deep dive.

Each rung represents a different layer of motivation:

• Environment: The physical and emotional space

• Ability: Know-how and confidence

• Capability: Resources and support

• Values: What makes the work feel worthwhile

• Beliefs: Trust, ethics, and identity

Independence of rungs: One rung isn’t dependent on the previous one: for example, you might have a brilliant workspace (Environment) and the skills (Ability), but no time or tools (Capability). There may be several rungs that need strengthening: let’s say you have deep trust in your team (Beliefs), but no idea how to execute (Ability), and nowhere to do it (Environment).

Save time with targeted questions: the questions that pertain to each rung help spot what’s wobbling and what’s working in terms of resources, support, satisfaction using these emotionally intelligent prompts.Use them to diagnose motivation - your own or your teams’ - and guide with acuity, as opposed to clumsy guesswork.

🧭 Motivational Ladder Diagnostic Questions for Each Run -

Note: you’re scanning like a human MRI with these questions to narrow down the obstacles.

What the Ladder looks like:

Explanations Of The Ladder Rungs

Here, you are the detective investigating ‘stuckness’. Start with a general question such “How are you getting on with [name activity]?”. Depending on the response, you can then randomly pick a question below that seems like a natural and easy starting point.

1. Environment (Surroundings)

Closed Questions:

• “Is your workspace helping or hindering your focus?”

• “Are sound, lighting, or seating affecting your energy?”

Open Questions:

• “How does your current environment affect your mood and productivity?”

• “What kind of space helps you do your best work?”

What this reveals: if Brian takes to guffawing down the phone three feet away from Nicky, who’s attempting to unknot a complex issue, someone might find themselves either doing damage with aforesaid phone or retreating to Costas. That said, if that’s where Nicky is most productive, that could be rather useful to know for you as a manager. After all, there are deadlines and if Brian is stopping her from meeting them and you need to keep both happy, this is a consideration.

2. Ability (Skill Check)

Closed Questions:

• “Do you know how to approach your current tasks?”

• “Are there areas where you feel underprepared?”

Open Questions:

• “Talk me through how you’d do this.”

• “What’s something you’d love to learn or master this quarter?”

What this reveals: you’re exploring growth opportunities or hidden discomfort. Are they ready for the task or is there some ‘know-how’ lacking?

3. Capability (Resource Audit):

Closed Questions:

• “Do you have the time, tools, and support you need?”

• “Is anything missing that’s slowing you down?”

Open Questions:

• “What resources would help you move faster or with more ease?”

• “If you had a magic wand, what would you add or remove from your toolkit?”

What this reveals: what’s needed to achieve a certain task in terms of resources. Often, as with the other rungs, it’s not until you ask the question, that the obstacle’s presence is realised.

4. Values (Alignment Check):

Closed Questions:

• “Are you getting enough autonomy, challenge, or recognition?”

• “Is this rewarding?”

Open Questions:

• “What does a fulfilling workday look like for you?”

• “Tell me about a project that lit you up and why”

What this reveals: you’re checking for what motivates an individual: not that you can always give them the most rewarding tasks now but if you know what that looks like to them, there might be a way of using it as an incentive later.

5. Beliefs (Confidence & Trust):

Closed Questions:

• “Do you believe you can succeed in this role?”

• “Do you trust your team and feel trusted in return?”

Open Questions:

• “Tell me about a time you felt truly confident - what made that possible?”

• “Are there any beliefs - about yourself, others, or the organisation - that help or hinder your performance?”

What this reveals: self-doubt or trust issues that might be related to identify, or on an ethical alignment with the task in hand. They might simply be unaware of the ultimate purpose of a project, especially rife in tech teams because leaders often think they’re too interested in coding to know why they might be doing it.

The Difference Between Open and Closed Questions

🧩 Bonus Prompt for Ladder Mapping

“If you had to pick one layer that feels strongest—and one that’s wobbling—what would they be?”

Your Action Steps

1. Spot your own delay.

Think of one task or project you’ve been putting off. What’s the friction?

2. Climb the ladder.

Which rung might be missing for you—Environment, Ability, Capability, Values, or Beliefs?

3. Skip the waffle, spot what’s stuck.

Identify one person whose progress, energy, or output feels stuck. Which question from the ladder will you bring into your next conversation?

Find the missing rung and you’ll uncover your own obstacles to action. Do the same for others to help them to step up.

Need techniques to help you manage those around you - or, maybe, yourself? Have a look at my communications skills training. I help technical leaders and their teams become Communication Ninjas! Get in touch with me, for a free 15-minute Discovery Call. No commitment, just a chat to see if we can work together.

Photo by Mary Taylor at pexels.com

“You” is one of the most potent words in the English language. It can spotlight someone’s impact, invite reflection, or hand them a sense of empowerment.

If you don’t use ‘you’ wisely in emails, messaging or face-to-face, it can also trigger defensiveness, shut down dialogue, and cement identity labels that don’t serve the moment—or the relationship. Knowing when and how to use ‘you’ with discretion is key to your communication skills.

So how do we wield “you” wisely?

When “You” Backfires

“You” statements often backfire when they:

• Assign blame (“You always ignore my input.”)

• Sound accusatory (“You don’t care about deadlines.”)

• Impose identity (“You’re just not a team player.”)

These phrases corner the listener into defending their character rather than engaging with the issue. What you’ll get? A conversational cul-de-sac.

When “You” Lands Well

Used with discretion, “you” can:

• Highlight impact (“You helped the team hit that milestone.”)

• Invite reflection (“You might notice how your tone shifts under pressure.”)

• Empowers (“You’ve got options here. Want to explore them?”)

These statements open doors. They affirm, observe, and empower—without boxing anyone in.

Reframe Toolkit: How to Say “You” Without Saying “You”

If you’re navigating tension or trying to preserve connection, try these reframes:

• Ask Questions: “How do you see your role in this?”

• Use Passive Voice: “Deadlines weren’t met – can we explore why?”

• Speak from “I”: “I feel unheard when my ideas aren’t addressed.”

• Lean into “We”: “Can we figure out a way to stay on track together?”

I go into a deeper dive here, if you’re looking to tell someone that they’ve messed up, without putting it so bluntly.

These shifts soften the sting, invite collaboration, and keep the conversation focused on desired outcomes, not unwanted personality traits.

Your Action

1. This week, use ‘you’ to reinforce desired behaviour or motivate someone.

2. Need to bring up a tricky subject? Use one of the alternatives in the ‘Reframe Toolkit’ section.

Final Thought

“It’s not just what you say—it’s how you say ‘you.’” Whether you’re coaching, leading, or simply trying to be heard, the way you frame “you” can make or break the moment.

Need to switch up your communication as a manager or amongst your teams? Then have a look at what I can cover in my business communications courses. If you’re looking to build persuasion, influence or simply have interactions become less prickly, get on touch.

Click here to find time for a free 15-minute Discovery Call. No strings attached: just a chat to see if we can work together.

1. Rushing, Not Resolving

Too many of us rush to solve problems by coming up with solutions. I include myself here, as well as the technical specialists I train.

There you go, bulldozing your way into ‘outcome thinking’, looking at fixes.

Not that ‘outcome thinking’ is bad in itself. It can increase resourcefulness and help us become unstuck. I wrote about that here, with an additional focus in how this benefits the way we speak to ourselves.

However, when communicating solutions before examining the problem first, this will cause even more problems instead of resolving then.

This research published in the Journal of Organisational Behaviour, shows that when teams or individuals leap straight into solutions, this often leads to:

1. Overlooked information;

2. Poor-quality decisions;

3. A lack of confidence in chosen solutions;

4. Generating fewer unique ideas.

The study shows that those teams suggesting fixes upfront spend less than half the time exploring the actual problem.

This is the solution fixation trap – a cognitive shortcut where urgency overrides understanding.

The result is that there is a mounting expense of time and money in trying to fix the fix .

Not that ‘outcome thinking’ is bad in itself. It can increase resourcefulness and help us become unstuck. I wrote about that here, with an additional focus in how this benefits the way we speak to ourselves.

However, when communicating solutions before examining the problem first, this will cause even more problems instead of resolving then.

This research published in the Journal of Organisational Behaviour, shows that when teams or individuals leap straight into solutions, this often leads to:

1. Overlooked information;

2. Poor-quality decisions;

3. A lack of confidence in chosen solutions;

4. Generating fewer unique ideas.

The study shows that those teams suggesting fixes upfront spend less than half the time exploring the actual problem.

This is the solution fixation trap – a cognitive shortcut where urgency overrides understanding.

The result is that there is a mounting expense of time and money in trying to fix the fix .

2. How It All Goes Wrong – In Real Life

Here’s an example illustrating the communication approach within a client’s tech team. Someone shares their FinOps issue and in a snap, streams of code and log files flood the chat.

There’s the assumption that more data equals more progress.

Leaders end up frustrated: “Hang on. What problem are we solving?” they cry as they waste valuable time trying to translate and deduce meaning from the pile.

In this Gordian knot of supposed fixes, there’s one crucial omission: an understanding of the problem.

However, the research reveals that teams who spent more time gathering and examining data before formulating alternative solutions to a complex problem ultimately performed better than other teams.

3. How To Ensure You Solve The Right Problem

Forget asking your team to “shift mindset”. That’s too vague. Instead, apply a set of specific, strategic questions that slow the scroll and sharpen the focus.

This is the practical, research-backed way to deal better problem solving.

Use These 5 Context Anchors Before Going Straight to Solutions:

1. What’s the actual problem we’re trying to solve?

(Not just the symptom—what’s broken and why does it matter?)

2. What’s the impact if it’s not fixed?

(Who’s affected, and how badly?)

3. What’s already been tried?

(Avoid reinventing the wheel—or repeating failed fixes.)

4. How urgent is this?

(Is this a fire drill or a slow leak?)

5. Who’s accountable?

(Name names—e.g., Dayann and Kira—not “everyone.”)

These questions act as cognitive brakes, forcing the team to frame before they fix, leading to better decisions and cleaner threads.

4. When the Data’s a Mess—and How to Fix It

Your Actions:

1. Someone’s put a problem in a thread? Flung it in a meeting? STOP before going into solution mode.

2. Ask the questions in Section 3.

3. Check where the data source.

4. Slip over to Section 4 to ensure that decisions are made on complete and accurate data.

5. If not, bowl it back to others to check and revert.

Want to explore how communication and influence skills training can not only help you get heard above the noise but also arrive at the right solutions quicker. Double win, right there. Become a Communication Skills Ninja. Let’s talk. Book your free 15-minute Discovery Call here.